I love the world wide web 11:24

I just love it. I love it because I may write and be read. Because I may be in contact with Liz. Because I met a friend. I love the net. I just love it.

Humanity. 8:50

Your real name begins with a T? Jajajajajaja... my real name is Charbelí. Weird ah? Yes, but I love it because I'm identifiable (is this word well spelled?)

My favorite friend in the world is now in Spain. I had another one, but i was in love with him. Awful story, but I'm now over it. Then I've had lots of favorite friends. But they are not favorite at all. I am a strange, difficult person. There's people around me all the time, but I'm alone most of it, because I think no one understands me.

I'm looking for someone who accepts me. Either a friend, either a lover. But I can't find a lover. And now I can't find the real friend.

I have faith in people. But I don't have faith concerning with myself. Everytime I trust someone, he/she dissapoints me.

I feel so dissapointed. Dissapointed of my friends, of myself, of life.

My real name is Charbelí. I love cats. But don't have one. I love art. I try to make art. But I don't know where to look for my way. Sometimes I feel my way is scaping and I run and run but I don't find it.

I want to cry. I feel releifed (Spelled right or wrong??) when I cry. But now I can't shed my tears. I can't.

Sorry for this post. I'm just so annoyed of life.

Pocas cosas tan difíciles 12:23

Pocas cosas tan difíciles como sobrellevar la decepción. Pocas cosas tan difíciles como mirar a quienes creemos de una manera, y darnos cuenta que realmente son de otra. Aunque a veces lo sospechamos, aunque a veces es difícil, el hecho es que cuando realmente nos enteramos de la verdad todo cambia, aunque ya lo supiéramos, lo doloroso es comprobarlo.

A mí me ha tocado comprobar mis sospechas muchas veces y en muchas circunstancias distintas. Y siempre es doloroso. Siempre me lastima. No el hecho, sino la falta de coraje de aquellos de quienes me he enterado para enfrentar lo que son. No puedo con eso. No puedo con ese tipo de gente. No la entiendo, y más allá de no entenderla sufro porque no son capaces de aceptarse y van por la vida fingiendo ser quienes no son, y pretendiendo que los demás creamos que son lo que no son.

¿Por qué estoy rodeada de esta gente? No lo sé. No lo sé. No quiero darles la espalda, pero me desconcierta tanto su falta de cariño, su falta de respeto por sí mismos. No es que los demás los juzguen. Es que ellos se juzgan a sí mismos.

J has gone 12:06

Today I was going to access to J's blog and there is no blog. So, I guess I will never know anything about her. Anyway, I thank you. My mail is charbelirc@gmail.com, just in case you would like to tell me how your story continues.

Thanks
Charbelí

Scrabble 19:06

I'm playing scrabble. It's really great.

Mi caricatura favorita 7:16

I'm tired

Things I love (copycating again) 10:26

Dry leaves
Writing
Reading while ignoring responsibilities and the world.
Paper. Wet or wrinkled.
Lips
Noses
My eyes.
Good times with my friends
I love and miss my friend Mario so much.
Talking.
Coffee
Cigarettes
Dreaming
Sleeping
My bed
Baths
Wearing make up
Walking in peace
Being alone
Being among strangers
I gotta go

Things that annoy me(I'm copycating) 10:15

Waiting.
Getting late.
Leave early.
To be sleepy and not able to sleep.
People who think is always right.
Getting up early.
Birds.
Know-it-alls.
To be sick of the kidney.
I don't like the sound of the unicel.
the sound of a down pressed to a board.
Religion
Republicans like Bush
Health Care in my country.
Controlling myself.
Being sad
Running into people I dislike
Exhibitionism
People who think they are superior.
People who think they are inferior.
Limitations

How did it go? 12:46

Mmm... there were a lot of opinions. I loved it. I almost cried. I was excited. I don't care if it was too large. People can or cannot watch it. I loved it.

This may sound pedantic, but I don't mind. Art used to educate people. It didn't matter if it was above standard knowledge. People would learn to treasure art. But now people wants to digest art like icecream.

Just a thought

6:36 am 5:35

Art costs. I'm still up.

It's 4:53 am 3:21

And I'm still up. I'm not sleepy. One of my friends, in the other hand, is even snoring. The other one is finishing the edition, and when we finish, until it exports, we'll play scrabble. At least that was the plan. But the audio in the last sequence is awful, and it's the most important sequence of them all.

I'm falling asleep. And my stomach aches. I had tacos for diner so I feel a rather intense pain.

Nevertheless, I feel if I fall asleep I will not be able to wake up for class. Besides Aldo is finishing the edition and I shall not leave him alone. I wouldn't like them to leave me alone.

Let's see how it goes. The short movie is supposed to last 12 minutes, but ours lasts 22. I trust it will be fine. It has been a really great effort.

That's what I keep. The effort.

Symbols 2:10

I watched "Los amantes del círculo polar" (The lovers of the Arctic Circle). I was amazed about the symbols there. I loved it. I really recomend it to you. It's a story about love. About the love that last a lifetime.

What is it like? 18:43

I imagine it. Sometimes I make a story about holding hands down the rain. Sometimes I miss feeling safe as I walked through the park at night. I miss shared silences. That's what I miss the most. I miss feeling loved, even if I invented the love someone else felt for me.

I miss silence. I have always thought that silences are the best way to show and to understand love. I love silence because it gives me peace. And I liked to share it. I liked to look at the other's eyes and change thoughts and feelings without words.

The only thing that makes me crazier than words is silence.

-------------------------------

So, what is it like to hold hands down the rain with someone you love? I guess it must be like sharing silence.

Post- production 17:31

I am now working at Roberto's. There are five folks here, four computers. I even brought mine though it is not a lap top. We are really in a mess. We are editing the audio. Well, we can always use the night. We all want to work on this. We are professional. Or trying to be so.

I don't know. I'm just tired.

Well.

I had so much to say but now I can't find the words in my head.

What I don't understand 8:17

What I don't understand about people is the desire of love. Perhaps my pain is talking, but I really don't.

What I understand little is them wanting me to find the one, to marry and have children. I don't want to. I was born to do something else. I tried love, and it hurt so badly I will never be able to love again.

Love a guy, I mean. Love someone like J loves Billy, or Aldo loves Diana, or Aurora loves Roberto. I won't.

I used to think love would come at the right time, in the right place. I used to think it didn't matter if I was fat. I used to look at the mirror and observe deeply into my eyes and say: "Yes, there's hope". But I don't think so anymore.

I don't care about the others. I'm really beautiful, it doesn't matter I'm fat. I'm a really great person. It doesn't matter I'm fat... at least it doesn't matter to me. But the others, is another story.

So it doesn't matter if I'm bright, and nice, and all my good things... because I'm fat. I don't want any guy, at least not those who look at physical beauty standards and then go deeply. I don't want that.

So, I don't want anybody, because they are all the same.

I look at myself at the mirror and I like me. I love my big black eyes full of melancholy and wishes. I love my lips, I even like my cheaks. Perhaps I don't look at me the way the others do, but I don't care, I can always live by my great imagination.

------------------------------

Today is the first anniversary of the worst day of my life.

Discussion 10:08

I'm in class. My teacher is catholic and he's lecturing us about God and the Church. I hate close minds. And he is one of them.

He is uncualified to teach us about it, because he does not allow people to talk about abortion, or death penalty, or even homosexuals.

I told him what I think about homosexuals, and he's been trying to talk me out of it. So now I'm mad. I think what I think, and I do go deeply when I think about something. So, I'm really mad at him.

Coffee and cigarettes 7:47

I hated those SNL short movies. But I like the title because I love coffee, and I love cigarettes. The coffee, I stopped drinking it when I got sick of the kidney. The cigarettes I have never quited.

Yesterday, however, I drank coffee. It was a difficult day. I have never edited before, it's really great, but I am tired...

So, yesterday, I surrounded to temptation a drank coffee. I love it. The sensation I felt as the drink fell through my throat, and dropped in my stomach. I relaxed.

Today I'm another person. Amazing how something material may change someone. That is not quite right, but it happens.

So now I'll finish editing. I'll let you know how my short movie goes.

LUEUR D'ÉTÉ 12:51

Uff... one of my favorite songs... Just love it

Time 11:47

My theory about time:

I hate it. I always say he laughs at us because it lets us run, and sometimes we even think it gives us a truce. But it doesn't. It attacks in some mysterious way. And then, when we are careless about it, it punches us down and wins for knock out.

I don't know. I have thought as many times (the time) of him as I have thought about death. They have such a strong relation. They make fun of us all. I hate time, but is like some bad friend you can't get rid of.

Time also has to do with life. That's the real truce. Thinking abput living your time. Because every time is different. Mine is not the same of yours, and that's the worst of all. That's what pisses me the most: to know that I may found someone great, but with different timing, and different perspectives, and so on, so on.

I don't know. I will always fight time as Apollo fought Hades in the underworld to have his beloved aside (myth to explain the day and night, Apollo is the sun, and he goes to fight Hades. Whenever he goes, the night comes).

Speaking of time. It will be a year the next Monday...

My weekend 7:56

It was a rather intense weekend. Lots of stuff happened: first of all we filmed -well, we recorded- a part of the short movie. I ended up so tired. I even think I have never been so tired in my life. I can't imagine the amount of work in a professional production.

I have already written I do the screenplays. Well, I was assistant director as well. I woke up at 7 am and fall asleep at 2 am the next day.

We didn't finish, but it was a great experience and I love the people with whom I'm doing it.

Then, Sunday. I woke up at 12. I turn on my cel phone and saw a message from Liz. She left yesterday to Europe. I miss her. But I don't do goodbyes because I really hate them.

I hope I'll see her in six months, and I hope she got my message answering the one she adressed me.

I'm still tired. Even though I slept so much. I have a test today. I better study.

Actor 21:17

We will make the film tomorrow. Now I'm at Aldo's working on it. I discovered a really tricky and scary side of one of my friends: Roberto acted as a torturer -because our short film is about a torturer and his tortured-. I was afraid. Not because of the scene, but because I discovered a side that I didn't know before.

I don't know. I just wanted to take it out of myself.

Dry leaves 8:26

This is the name of my blog, "Hojas secas". It means "Dry leaves".

I have little pleasures in life. Little activities I like to do that make my existence happier -little because they are simple, not because I have few pleasures-. For instance, I like to tread on dry leaves. The sound of them crushing as I put my foot on it. That simple thing makes a difference in my day.

That's why I love fall. Because trees lost the battle against gravitation, and they lost the one thing that dress them: the leaves.

Last Friday one of my bests friends shared some insignificances that make his life great, and I said "Dry leaves", and some other stuff like "reading some story I've made, and thinking, amazed, 'I wrote it, I put the exact words together to create some piece of art".

I love art. i love it when I'm listening to LUEUR D'ÉTÉ and my tears drop as it becomes intense. I love it when I'm reading EUGENIA GRANDET and I'm so excited I feel my heart is getting out of my chest.

I love it. And, as stupid as it may sound, the dry leaves represent all that art makes me feel and think. They are natural. They are just beautiful.

To Quote a Friend: 8:03

"Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth."

Heaven is a place on earth.

"You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive."

i don't know if He's dead, i just think He doesn't exist. You can't kill someone that is not there. Elvis is so dead. But people keep bringing him back.

Aurora Boreal/ Usagi San 9:02

Auroris:

Mil gracias por tu mención en el blog. De hecho, me parece eso más honroso: tú estás allá, pensando en mil cosas más, y aún así te tomas el tiempo de pensar en mí.

Claro que leo tu blog. Aunque me gustaría que publicaras cosas más seguido. Tampoco puedo pedirle peras al olmo. Mucho menos si estás en Germania -jajajaja-, disfrutando de la vida distinta a la mexicana, y de jugo de cereza o chocolate caliente.

Me encanta la descripción de la nieve. Sobre todo porque esos fenómenos naturales hacen, junto con la magia de la existencia, que la vida valga la pena. Lo de los idiomas me gusta aún más. Yo que soy una enamorada de la lengua española -una enamorada neófita- escucharía esa diversidad con lágrimas en los ojos.

Aquí todos te extrañamos Aurorita. No tengo que decírtelo -pero te lo digo porque lo admiro- pero tu hombre aquí te encuentra hasta en las paredes, hasta en la conversación más trivial, y mucho más en las profundas.

Aquí está tu lugar.

Un beso

My routine 16:17

Days have been tough. Lots of work. I have to do a short movie. It will be my first exam for the Cinema class. That's what I want to do, write screenplays. So I'm really enjoying the process of making a movie.

But I am tired. I am falling asleep and I'm still in College. I'm having a test tomorrow. So I'll go home to study. I will be reading in my way home. In the subway. I love subways. I love them because I can observe people, because I am alone but surrounded by a bunch of strangers. And I write stories. The best ones were created in the subway. While I was going back home.

Then I'll get home and my grandpa would say "Hi", as he always does ever since we moved in with him, since my father was killed. He will look at me with his big tender eyes and will ask me, "What about your day?" As he smokes a cigarrette.

Then my brother will be watching Ally McBeal. He will say, "Hi chubby, what did you do today?" And we'll chat for a while, until I tell him I have a test tomorrow.

I'll walk the 15 steps towards the library -a really little one-, and I'll turn on my mac. "I love it", will think. "I just do". Then I'll play a little, and realize it got late.

My mother will arrive then. She's going to the movie theater. She'll talk about the movie, then about her job, and then she will watch CSI.

I don't know. I'll just fall asleep tired, but happy.

What about me? 14:48

Hoy me desperté para ir a clases. Hice la mitad de la tarea en la escuela. Después tuve clase de cine -que no es tan buena como pensé que sería-, acabó y fui a Fisher's a celebrar el cumpleaños de Chachis, una amiga. Terminamos. Vine a mi casa.

Today I woke up and went to school. I made half of my homework before my class. Then I had cinema class -which is no so good as I expected-. Then I went to Fisher's to celebrate Chachis' -a friend- birthday. Then I came home to my grandpa and my brother.

Entré a internet antes de tomar una siesta. Debo terminar el guión hoy. El tiempo se acaba. Se me acaba el tiempo.

So now I got on line before taking a nap. I must finish the screenplay today. Time is running out. I'm running out of time.

J, espero que estés bien. Yo sí estoy bien.

J, hope you're ok. I'm fine.

Saludos.

Charbelí

Apocalypto 20:28

No importa lo que digan: si Mel Gibson hizo una historia apegada o no a los hechos como se supone que pasaron -obviamente no tiene nada que ver con la historia de Mesoamérica-; si la reconstrucción de las pirámides se parece o no. No importa nada de eso.

En lo particular me pareció una buena película. Está bien realizada -salvo por el final que no les contaré-; la trama es buena, cumple su propósito, que no es el de educar sino el de entretener.

Creo que vale la pena. Además en su momento la película empleó gran cantidad de mexicanos, y debemos tenerlo en cuenta.

Todavía estoy digiriéndola, así que no puedo hacer un análisis profundo.

En fin.

Saludos, ya regresé a escribir en español.

My day 10:43

Today is a Holiday. Is The Constitution day. I didn't go to College. But I am at Roberto's planning my short movie. I'm writing the screenplay. Then I'll go to the movie theater. It is cloudy. It is cold. I haven't been so warm in a lot of time.

Hope you're ok.

Charbelí

Top 5's 19:53

Películas favoritas/ Favorite movies:

1. Tres colores: Azul/ Three colours: Blue.
Polonia, Francia/ Polland, France
Director/Direction: Krzysztof Kieslowski.
Actuación/Cast: Juliette Binoche.

2. Mejor... imposible/ As good as it gets.
Estados Unidos/ USA
Director/Direction: James L. Brookes
Actuación/Cast: Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt, Greg Kinnear.

3. Amélie/ Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulin
Francia/ France
Director/Direction: Jean Pierre Jeunet
Actuación/ Cast: Audrey Tautou, Mathieu Kassovitz

4. Nirvana
Italia/Italy
Director/Direction: Gabriele Salvatores
Actuación/Cast: Christopher Lambert, Diego Abatantuono, Stefania Rocca

5. Carta de amor/ Letter of love
México/ Mexico
Director/Direction: Miguel Zacarías
Actuación/Cast: Jorge Negrete, Gloria Marín

Canciones favoritas / Favorite songs:

1. I don't want to miss a thing - Aerosmith
2. Como yo te amé (Like I loved you) - Eugenia León
3. Dreamlover - Mariah Carey
4. Don't Speak - No doubt
5. In Memoriam (A capella) - Les Choristes


Poemas favoritos / Favorite poetry

1. No es que muera de amor - Jaime Sabines

2. Última noción de Laura - Mario Benedetti

3. Nocturno a Rosario - Manuel Acuña

4. Espero curarme de ti - Jaime Sabines

5. Una Confesión - Charles Bukowsky


Libros favoritos / Favorite Books

1. El amor en los tiempos del cólera/ Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel García Márquez

2. Eugenia Grandet / Eugenia Grandet - Honoré de Balzac

3. La tregua - Mario Benedetti

4. Rojo y Negro / Red and Black - Sthendal

5. Ana Karenina / Anna Karenina - León Tolstoi

Spanish Lessons 13:28

Mmmm... Yes, Spanish is wonderful. I love it. You can tell so many things in so many different ways. I'm writing some words for you to know what they mean. I won't be able to write the pronunciation, but I will learn how to do it. I promise.


1. Chicken. Pollo.

2. Hen. Gallina.

3. Pencil. Lápiz.

4. Pluma. Pen.

5. Insignificances. Nimiedades.

6. Love. Amor.

7. Pain. Dolor.

8. High School. Preparatoria.

9. Sadness. Tristeza.

10. War. Guerra.

La noche con mis amigos -night with my friends- 18:15

Estoy con mis amigos

Translation
I'm with my friends

Teniendo un buen momento

Translation
Having a good time

Momentos memorables

Translation
Moments I treasure

Con un amigo que me molesta

Translation
Some boy friend annoys me

A quien quiero

Translation
Whom I love

Buenos tiempos

Good times...

Friday 11:43

I'm going to watch Apocalypto. I'm having coffee with one of my bests friends. I'm hanging around with another friend. She's leaving to Europe to study for six months. I'll miss her. She is my balance.

Suffering 11:02

It's a matter of respect. Is a matter of respecting pain. I'ts a matter of humanity. I suffer. You suffer, and tough I guess it doesn't hurt the same, something common makes us talk about suffering. And everyone understands the dimension of the felling.

I'm sorry if I've been disrepectful with someone's pain. I didn't mean to. I just want someone to understand my own pain, and I really want that someone to know my feeling is understood by him/her.

Maybe I'm just really crazy. Maybe I'm just an asshole. Maybe I'm in the process of digesting the fact that my life sucks.

Damn Hugo Chavez 7:27

He is the devil of Latin America. He is just out of mind, and he's controlling a country with delayed ideas. I hate power. I hate soul corruption. I hate people treating others like objects. Each and every person is a goal itself. They are no means. Or they are no just means.

Hugo Chavez uses Venezuela to acomplish power, to reach his ambition of being the next Castro. He is like lots of other dictators who damaged South America. However, he embraces the eradicated comunism. He claims he wants his people to be ok, forgetting he governs a country where poor and rich live, and equality does not mean they all have to be poor, is just about having the same opportunities.

Thus, there cannot be a leftlist government if population is not educated, because in the Third World, leftlist postures are the worst way to reach power.

I hate Hugo Chávez. He reminds me of López Obrador, a man who almost won the Presidencial Elections in my country. It was a matter of luck that he is not our President, because sadly my country is not educated.

The lovers 11:43

This is a poem writen by Jaime Sabines, a great mexican poet who died in 1999. I love him.


The Lovers


The lovers say nothing.
Love is the finest of the silences,
the one that trembles most and is hardest to bear.
The lovers are looking for something.
The lovers are the ones who abandon,
the ones who change, who forget.
Their hearts tell them that they will never find.
They don't find, they're looking.

The lovers wander around like crazy people
because they're alone, alone,
surrendering, giving themselves to each moment,
crying because they don't save love.
They worry about love. The lovers
live for the day, it's the best they can do, it's all they know.
They're going away all the time,
all the time, going somewhere else.
They hope,
not for anything in particular, they just hope.
They know that whatever it is they will not find it.
Love is the perpetual deferment,
always the next step, the other, the other.
The lovers are the insatiable ones,
the ones who must always, fortunately, be alone.

The lovers are the serpent in the story.
They have snakes instead of arms.
The veins in their necks swell
like snakes too, suffocating them.
The lovers can't sleep
because if they do the worms ear them.

They open their eyes in the dark
and terror falls into them.

They find scorpions under the sheet
and their bed floats as though on a lake.

The lovers are crazy, only crazy
with no God and no devil.

The lovers come out of their caves
trembling, starving,
chasing phantoms.
They laugh at those who know all about it,
who love forever, truly,
at those who believe in love as an inexhaustible lamp.

The lovers play at picking up water,
tattooing smoke, at staying where they are.
They play the long sad game of love.
None of them will give up.
The lovers are ashamed to reach any agreement.

Empty, but empty from one rib to another,
death ferments them behind the eyes,
and on they go, they weep toward morning
in the trains, and the roosters wake into sorrow.

Sometimes a scent of newborn earth reaches them,
of women sleeping with a hand on their sex, contented,
of gentle streams, and kitchens.

The lovers start singing between their lips
a song that is not learned.
And they go on crying, crying
for beautiful life.


- Jaime Sabines

Translated by W.S. Merwin