I have a story. I don't know if it's unusual. I don't know if it's not that awful. But is a painful one. I mean, I have lots of stories. They are parts that get together my whole life. I could tell you all of them. But there are two in particular that affect me in the present time.
The first one has to do with my dad's dead anniversary. But that deserves a deepest post.
The second one? I named one of the worst situations of my life "The discovery". I even wrote a short story about it -it is, however, in Spanish-. It took me almost a year to digest it, to talk about it without tears sheding through my cheaks.
It has to do with the one. With the guy I consider the love of my life -I still think he was, although I don't love him anymore-.
The discovery just confirmed the reason why he never loved me back. The ony thing I could never compete with. I would have made him fall for me. I still think he got confused, I stick to the idea of him considering to be with me.
He played with my feelings. He used me. he hurt me in the deepest way, because he knew me. I've always thought the people who may really damage you are the ones that know you deeply.
He knew me. I loved him. He broke my soul. He torn apart everything I built for us, for myself.
If I hadn't discovered, he would have never told me. So I left. I wrote him a horrible letter. He read it. I left him.
I don't regret it. Anything. Not my story nor my acts, not my choice. I just wonder, I wonder every day, when is this feeling going away? I wonder why he did it. I wonder why I can't find someone who treasures me the way I think I should be valued.
I don't love him anymore, I just loved him so much that I feel empty now.
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The Discovery:
Beautiful emptiness that gathers in a tear drop. Beautiful emptiness that doesn't stop. Where do you come from if i'm empty?
The emptiness didn't answer. She kept waiting right beside her bed, sitting on the floor. Her entire body seemed fragile as her words flowed out of her mind. Her eyes moved slowly through the room looking for it.
Consumed by her memories, by her pain, she called for help while holding an old book. After hearing no answer, she opened it gently. What she saw is something beyond my imagination. Its something that only her words can describe. The emptiness was gone...
So you have experienced the beautyfull pain of love... You touched the fire and like in most cases, it freezed you.
Maybe the next sentence is an god awfull cliche but the truth is tha the pain that you feel or felt can only heal by living.
For the time being I appreciate the letters of your soul that helped me, in a certain extence, to understand a little mor about mine.
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